Empathy Is for the Person, Not the Excuse

Having a hard time holding people accountable?

Maybe you're too nice. Or maybe you're just avoiding the conversation.

Either way, the deadline slides and nobody says a word.

Last week Amy Williams, our Instructor & Program Administrator, taught our PRO group (our year two and beyond members) a lesson on holding people accountable and still keeping your empathy.

I wasn't there. But when I watched the video, I loved this line:

"Empathy is really for the person, not for the excuse."

Here's the whole lesson, with my thoughts along the way. Fair warning: I'm not going to be gentle about this one.

Nice Isn't the Problem. Avoiding Is.

Let's be honest about what's usually going on.

Most owners who say they're "too nice" aren't being nice. They're avoiding an uncomfortable conversation, and calling it kindness so it feels better.

I get it. Nobody starts a business because they love confronting people. But when you quietly move the deadline, or do the task yourself after hours, you're not protecting your team member. You're protecting yourself.

I know because I did it for years. At Rock The House I'd rewrite a proposal at midnight instead of telling the person who wrote it that it wasn't ready. I told myself I was being supportive. What I was really doing was teaching them that "close enough" was fine... because Matt would fix it.

Amy's answer is you can be kind AND clear. The trick is knowing what you flex on.

Flex on the when and the how. Never on the what.

The due date can move. How it gets done can change. What you're trying to accomplish stays put, because that's the whole point of the task.

And this is the part I'd tape to your monitor: when you lower the bar for someone quietly, you're telling them you don't think they can clear it. That isn't kindness. It's a vote of no confidence they never get to argue with.

Flexing isn't the same as quietly dropping it. If something truly needs to pause or come off the list, say so out loud and agree on it together. That's a priority call. Letting it slide without a word is lowering the bar.

Your Team Learns From Your Best Person

Here's another line from Amy that should sting a little:

"Your team really doesn't learn from the standards of your SOPs. They actually learn from what you let your best person get away with."

Your process documents are a wish list. What you tolerate is the real policy.

If your best person can miss deadlines without a word, everyone else just learned the real standard. And you taught it to them.

I had a top performer once who never turned in show reports on time. Clients loved him, so I let it go. Within a year, nobody's show reports were on time. I didn't have a reporting problem. I had a "Matt lets the best guy skip it" problem.

So if accountability feels loose across the whole team, start by asking: what is my best person getting away with?

Diagnose Before You Coach: The Four Cs

When something doesn't get done, most of us jump to "they just don't care."

Usually that's wrong. And honestly, it's convenient. "They don't care" lets you off the hook.

Before you say a word about effort, figure out which C broke.

1. Clarity. Can they tell you what done looks like? And do they know where it ranks against everything else on their plate?

If they can't, the miss is on us, not on them.

A quick test: ask them for their three priorities this week. If the task you care about isn't on that list, it isn't getting done. They already decided other things matter more. That's your chance to say, "Can we move this one up and that one down?"

2. Capacity. What got moved to make room for this?

In peak season everyone is already running fast. If you add something without taking something off, a ball is going to drop. And it's almost always the internal ball, because the event work gets done no matter what.

3. Capability. Can they actually do the thing you asked? And would they feel safe telling you if they couldn't?

4. Commitment. Do they want to get it done?

Here's the key. The first three are leadership problems, not people problems. Clarity, capacity and capability are on us. Only after those check out is it fair to ask about commitment.

Read that again. Three of the four Cs belong to the leader. If you're frustrated with your team, the first place to look is the mirror.

If you use EOS, this will feel familiar. It lines up with GWC (get it, want it, capacity to do it). GWC tells you if someone is in the right seat. The four Cs tell you why a single task got missed.

Five Moves for the Conversation

Amy called these the pro playbook. They're small, and that's why they work.

1. Let them set the date. People defend a deadline they chose. They negotiate one you hand them. Instead of "I need this by Friday," ask, "When do you think you could get this done by?"

2. The early flag rule. Missing a deadline is forgivable. Things come up. Missing it without warning is not.

Amy shared that back when she was at Rock The House, what frustrated her most wasn't the missed deadlines. It was that nobody gave a heads up. Make the rule simple: if you're not going to hit it, raise your hand early.

3. Open with your 10%. Start the conversation with one question: "What did I do that made this harder?"

It takes blame off the table and makes room for an honest answer. And because the first three Cs belong to the leader, what you hear back usually points right at the one that broke.

4. Name the pattern. After the second miss, stop talking about the task. Talk about the pattern. If it keeps happening, something in the process is broken, and fixing one more task won't fix that.

5. End in their words. Ask them to summarize the next step back to you, not the other way around. If they can't say it clearly, you didn't communicate it clearly. Better to find that out now than on the due date.

What It Sounds Like

Here's a made up example, so you can hear the moves working together.

Your sales coordinator said yes to following up on every lead from the bridal show. Two weeks later, about a third of them got a call.

You: "I want to look at the bridal show follow ups. Before anything else, what did I do that made this harder?"

Them: "Honestly, you never said it was urgent. And you wanted me to use the new template, which still isn't done."

That's clarity and capability, not commitment. Both are on you. So fix those first.

You: "Fair. Let's finish the template today. When do you think you could get through the rest?"

Them: "Thursday."

You: "Thursday works. If anything gets in the way before then, flag it early. What's the next step, in your words?"

If their date lands too late for what you need, the when can only flex so far. Say so, and decide together what comes off their plate to make room. That's capacity.

And if this is the second or third list that stalled halfway, stop talking about these leads and name the pattern: "This is the third list in a row that stopped halfway. Something in how we hand these off isn't working. Let's figure out what."

Notice what you didn't do. You didn't let it slide. And you didn't blow up. That's the whole point.

A Note on Peak Season

Amy made one more point that's worth saying out loud for anyone in the event business.

Before peak season, decide what doesn't get done. A time and task audit makes this easy: look at what your team does in a normal week and mark the things that pause until things slow down. Trade shows, side projects, whatever it is for you.

And before you add a new goal mid season, ask: is this the right time to do it? Sometimes the most accountable move is admitting the goal was too big for the season you're in.

No Full Time Team?

This still works.

Run the four Cs on a regular contractor. Or on something you promised yourself and didn't do. Was it clear? Did you make room for it? Could you actually do it? Then, and only then, ask if you really wanted to.

This Week

Pick one thing that slipped.

Before you say a word about effort, figure out which C broke.

Then open the conversation with, "What did I do that made this harder?"

Stop calling it nice. Have the conversation.

Empathy for the person. Not for the excuse.